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John — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 10:17:08 +0000

Suzi, I am so gratefull for your responce. It is allmost impossible to meet with otheres who have had ECT, I think many are ashamed and keep it to themselves. I have been discussing it with my psychiatrist and psychologist and at the weekly mens group I go to. My psychiatrist and therapist acknowledge it and are supportive. However, their knowledge is based on what they know, not on what they have experienced and feel. It is not the same. I try to avoid even mentioning it at group. God bless them, they mean well. However they are clueless. At work, at the site where they know I had ECT, I deal with it by joking. In retrospect this probably has not been helpful, but it was the only way I knew how to deal with it.
Yesterday I worked at the oher site. One of the 2 Nurses (who knows I had ECT) was orienting another nurse. This nurse came up to me and said “John it is so nice to see you. I have missed working with you, we allways have a good time”. This nurse sat four feet away from me all morning and we did have a good time. At lunch, the other nurse came back and, making sure no one else would hear, said “you know who she is right?”. I had no Idea who she was. We had obviously worked together in the past, she knew my whole life story-minus the depression. It is exhausting being in such situations. The other nurse filled me in and over the last 24 hours things have vaguely fallen into place.
When I read your responce I thoght, oh my…someone gets it..lol. Very therapeutic
I am gratefull for ECT, but damn it kicked my a..!

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Ninuccio — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 01:14:22 +0000

I didn’t want to pursue this but I think this piece of insight is important to know. I was lucky enough to have attended the cognitive remediation classes in the Rusk. IT WAS INSTRUMENTAL in the sense that is was the proper treatment for head injuries. All head injuries have different causes…but ECT. is one cause of head injuries. So are neurosurgeries. So are car accidents. But what is important to understand is that proper neuropsychological testing (given in the Rusk) was the same for each member of the group…and so was cognitive remediation. ALSO each member of the groups had a poster made which would detail the neuropsych. testing results. Within months and cognitive remediation those symptoms would have doubled. Even though the members of the groups had different degrees of head injuries…the cognitive remediation classes were the same for all. After approximately a few months, to maybe six months all of the charts had doubled in symptoms. These classes allow symptoms to come out which simply cannot be picked out by the neuropsych. testing. NOT ONLY do they allow these symptoms to come out…but by constant notes as the classes progress, week after week, month after month…they will give you enough new information and structure to allow you to understand to build a “new” awareness of the new you…through the awareness and “practice”…and constant repetition of your new symptoms. Sounds very complicated, but in actuality it is almost like going back to elementary school. But unbeknowst to you, you will realize after a while that you are becoming aware of yourself by being able to look at your thinking mechanism…and its changes…and only because of this being able to work around them. IT WORKS…good luck in your quest. Today, even if you have not received cognitive remediation, if you have not received at least neuropsych. testing something is definetely wrong…Ninuccio.

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Suzi — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 14:31:16 +0000

Catherine I also am envious of you. I wish it would have worked so well for me. John you are doing wonderful with dealing with all you have to on a daily basis. I know what you mean when you look at something and realize what it is later on. This is why I got on this website was to identify what I feel with people who actually know how it is. Not someone who gives you sympathy, but actually KNOWS what is like to be in the place some of us are. I did not get on to argue if ETC is good or bad for people, we all have or opinions and they are each individuals. Thank you Ninuccio for all of your insite into the recovery process. I hope to be able to find something like that here.

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John — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 13:20:43 +0000

Cathrine, I have to say I am envious. Before ECT I was the model emloyee, allways have been. The Dr. I work with is very demanding, yet he wrote me up not long ago for going above and beyond to obtain knowledge and apply it, greatly improving patient care. He also said that I was the best nurse he has ever had.
nfortunatly the staff I work with do not feel the same. I don’t know if it is because I was on dissability for 8 months or wether I have been stigmatized. We have a clinic at two sites. At one site everyone knows I have had ECT. At the other site only two of my closest freinds know. It is amazing how I am still respected, valued and appreciated at one and considered a problem employee at the other.
The ECT did cause problems at first, but my memory is returning to normal. That is I guess my active or short term memory. I still have moments like say walliking into a bookstore and seeing a book on Ronald Reagan. After a few seconds I know who he is, but I don’t remember everything. Fortunately my ability to learn was not greatly effected and for the most part my clinical skills are unscathed.
The worst side effect of ECT is that it has done something to my time management. I find it hard to get anywhere on time. And I am also very disorganised.
Anyway, I received my final written warning at work this week, nothing related to patient care. I am applying for new positions. I am sure it will all work out.
It is so bizzare, I don’t know if I can put it in writing in a way that makes any sence. I suffered a major depressive episode at the age of 25 and never recovered, one suicide attempt with suicidal idiation continuing. I was totally resistant to therapy or medication. It took quite a few jolts, but finaly I began to feel better. I have had 52 total treatments with my last in 03/2011.
The ECT did not cure the depression, but it pulled me out of a deep black hole that nothing else could. I do get days when I feel that depressed, but now it passes. I think one of the greatest things that ECT did, was it gave me the ability to realize when I was depressed and when I was not. Now I look back, it was so painfull. Anyway, my whole point was that despite the dramatic improvement in the depression, this last year has been the hardest I have experienced. Trying to keep my job, get my memory back and really re-build myself; a process that has barely begun.
It makes no sence to say this, the depression was hell, but this year has been also.
I do not regret having ECT at all. I am a totally different person, but there was a huge price to pay. Fortunately I am very confident that I will continue to recover. My thinking is 80% clearer than it was in March.